My Old Man Rips Tim McCarver a New One | Email

Though really, he should’ve taken aim at Joe Buck, that pompous fuck.

Below is my Pa’s response to an earlier email containing many complaints about a lack of cable television with which to watch sports, especially NCAA football and MLB playoffs.

I love my old man.

ON MLB – It’s hard for me to watch. Even playoffs. Or maybe esp playoffs w all the fkg hyperbole. Video of “tense moments,” which usually start around the 7th or 8th inning if a game is tight. Video cliches. Guy praying. (Is he a priest? Zealous fan? Nephew of Jimmy Swaggart?) Guy holding a baby. Baby is sleeping – but the sound in the stadium, says announcer is equivalent of 7 SSTs taking off. Poor bastard in Giants uniform (NOT CHEERING) in a sea of red clad Phillies’ fans. (Sure flash him on the Maxiscreen so p fanatic fans can rip him a new one… no wonder he’s crouching.) The (will it EVER go away ? can it be more passe or predictable) inside out home team rally caps. The guy in dugout who just made an out staring intently on the batter, who he hopes will get a hit and score a run and cover his cowering ass and strike out. FAn passed out in bottom of ninth in 1-run ball game. Woman clasping (fill in blank…towel, jacket, Bible, blanket, popcorn) and chewing on the edge of whatever it is. Solemn faces tight shots of faces being solemn. You get the picture. Tim McCarver, doing or saying or blathering about anything and his know-it-all wrap up after the game.

This is esp difficult for me after watching a fast-paced, fast-moving sport that is more a mosaic but kalidescoping around w guys running every which way, guys smacking the crap out of one another, grand catches, thundering runs w guys going over like bowling pins, qbs somehow avoiding collisions w other guys the size of 2-ton pickups, outrageous late hits, and so on ……. COMPARED to this linear game where guys essentially stand around the same designated spot. spitting. scratching. staring. batters stepping into the box, out of the box, into the box, out, in, out, adjust that glove, pull that cap, spit again, show us your strike zone, step out again. pitchers shaking their heads. again. once yet again. the nod. the pitch ITs FKG 3-2 for the last 4 throw. ANDDDDD …. yet another foul ball. Sorry. Don’t get me wrong. l like baseball too. l just have an impossible time changing gears betw football and baseball … particularly when l don’t really care one way or another about either team, and worse yet (getting old part) couldn’t name four players on either team.

Just how sick are we, man?

Pretty sick, Pa.